@Spaziotwat

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

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@UnFitz

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

@Born2bVild

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@Dishy2101

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@RunOldMan

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.