Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”
Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cells divide again*
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!
Took me years to rebuild friendships.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco.