Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cells divide again*
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?
Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)
Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”