[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.