[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!