@thenatewolf

*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*

What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?

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@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

@2tickytacky

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

@truegritrumble

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

@3sunzzz

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

@AllanForsyth

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@kelly__le

I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Him:..
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.