Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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Morningbreath
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We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.