@Social_Mime

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

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@Book_Krazy

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

@MrMildSauce

It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.

@samfromks

*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*

*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*

*Buys $80 worth of donuts*

@LostFelicia

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

@jsaffle1

Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me

@_davidlucas_

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.