TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*
*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*
*Buys $80 worth of donuts*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.