Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.