Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.