Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.


Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.


Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too


I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.


“This website requires Java”

*gets cup of coffee*

“This website requires Java”

*looks at coffee*

*throws coffee at monitor*


The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.


The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”


3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*


I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.