credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it