I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it