If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Before & after 😅
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero