@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

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@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

@jazmasta

In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.

@Book_Krazy

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

@Tmoney68

Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

@caseytduncan

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.