My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
is it earth
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
This hospital has everything
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
what could possibly go wrong?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*