Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
asked my bf how work was today
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there