CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
#StillHurts
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994