You take the oxy out of oxymoron
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
ME: I’d be lost without u
Skating is just walking in cursive.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.