Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….
and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*