[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.


Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.


Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.


HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.


Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*


My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.


Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”


A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones


Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.