Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?