Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.