@9GAGTweets

*cries in student*

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@HomeWithPeanut

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@ShakespeareSong

I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.

@bmarked21

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

@_little_old_me

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

@Shade510

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?