[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!
[Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
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I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.
Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?