Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…