Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.