I hope “citibank” is better at math than spelling.
[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]
INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?
INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
WIFE: You fell down the stairs