[Crime scene on set-your-clock-back-an-hour day]

INVESTIGATOR 1: Time of death?

INVESTIGATOR 2: [looks at microwave…then phone] uhhm hmm

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Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.


Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.



Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.


Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.


With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.


Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.

Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes


I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend


Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.


[hitting on hot babe in bar]
“.. You’re 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you’re not gonna believe this..”