The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?