[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.