[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.