me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right