[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
You Might Also Like
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
wow he looks just like him
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on