I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.