[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
rapatouille
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.