[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Perfect
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*