Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
This hospital has everything
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.