@jonnysun

crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

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@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

@flashember

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

@LetMeStart

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@dadmann_walking

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

@clint_bing

Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.