I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.