crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

You Might Also Like


“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]


This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.


*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall


Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.


Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs


My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?



A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox


guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.


If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.


Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.