Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets