I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”
“Or a truck”
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.