@TheHyyyype

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

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@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.

@CaptainJerkwad

Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

@ProdigyNelson

[bedroom]
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop

@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

@bridger_w

In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies

@MissHavisham

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

@miilkkk

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.