‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
you have three unread messages
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.