@markedly

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

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@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@KeetPotato

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

@Cheeseboy22

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

@SteveKoehler22

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

@WienerToboggan

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

@funnybeachgirl

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”