Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I’m giving up ice.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
This checks out
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles