No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…
It instantly takes me to another station.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”