Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Where’s my employee discount too?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.