Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

PARKOUR

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither