Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
This dude got his own movie?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that