Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.