Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
never ask a starfish for directions
dutch so unserious
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”