you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.
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Why did he do that?
Who is she?
What does that mean?
When did that happen?
I need to go to the toilet.
– Child, at the cinema
My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.