CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh


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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich


I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.


You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.


Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.


Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.


If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

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Why did he do that?
Who is she?
What does that mean?
When did that happen?
I need to go to the toilet.

– Child, at the cinema


My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.