CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.