@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

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@aligarchy

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@Leemanish

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

@HatfieldAnne

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

@northcoastkevin

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

Follow me for more life pro tips.

@Token_Geezer

Why did he do that?
Who is she?
What does that mean?
When did that happen?
Why?
How?
I need to go to the toilet.

– Child, at the cinema

@JustDontBugMe

My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.