@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

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@LogicLaughs

I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.

@TriciaLockwood

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

@junejuly12

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

@jenhasgreathair

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

@LorieGZ

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*