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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
A classic…
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.