Croquettes are not female crocodiles

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My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me


Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.


Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.


I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.


Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.


wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*


How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

*Keeps plucking*


FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”


Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”