Croquettes are not female crocodiles
You Might Also Like
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Stop sending me this shit.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”