@ColoradoCrow

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

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@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@robfee

Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

@patnspankme

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

@suzieQ0007

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

@Fred_Delicious

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

@Marlebean

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

@TheCiscoKidder

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”