Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*