[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.