crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I want what they have
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
sry
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.