@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

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@SlayerSays

You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

@karanbirtinna

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

@briangaar

Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@scot7a

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.