crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk