*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The struggle is real.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
fly smarter, not harder
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
A short story about romance.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
That’s classic.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real