*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I really had high hopes for this year though