Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.