Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me


Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): “lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).”


Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*


[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this


Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]


I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people


I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.


Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”


“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff