Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Candles never taste the way they smell
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.