Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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“HELP WITH CAT”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me trying to look natural in photos
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*