@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

- @Twisted_Mettle

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@jilltwiss

My best guy friend and I vowed if we’re still single at 45, we def won’t marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?

@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

@climaxximus

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

@mrjohndarby

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

@EndhooS

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

@abbycohenwl

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?