@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

@5hael

My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@Divergentmama

Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!

@Chhapiness

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now