Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
is this a threat
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.