@Twisted_Mettle: Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
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@bingowings14: Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written 'nail appointment' in my diary? Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
@AdderallMomma: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@KateWhineHall: My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at restaurant] Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine's Day! How many? Me: Just one, thanks. Wife (clears throat): Two.