“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Mistakes were made
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.